Cookies are fatty, Fatty.

Before you lay out those cookies that will only make him fatter, consider leaving Santa a dirty picture instead. Consider Santa slipping down that chimney shaft all hot and exhausted, doused in cheap velvet, reeking of cigarettes and reindeer feed. Consider Santa coming into your house l8 at nite all bundled up and poking around your living room, reaching out for that little love note you've left him DEAR SANTA I PRAY PLEASE GIVE ME THE GUDS but there're no cookies there on that stool. No no no. Instead there's a little red envelope beside that little red card. You sealed it with a little too much saliva and Santa doesn't quite know where to sit. Consider a stickier picture this year. Besides, what tween wouldn't be honored to sneak a peak at Santa choking his Xmas Ham with a sloppy photo of that tween in her mama's bikini in his other hand, all leaned up against the Xmas tree like he grew it himself or something?