---
TOUR GUIDE
Like many tour guides, Miss Moan’s motivation lies in Jesus. After a tumultuous childhood bouncing from foster home to foster home, a minor meth addiction, and countless abortions, Miss Moan found her niche in colonial enthusiasm which she believes Jesus hand-delivered to her in a routine conjugal visit with her ex-husband.
INVENTOR
The inventor was found in the woods last Easter, naked cold bright-eyed and mumbling. With no known family and no proper identification, BabySkinGlove has adopted her as one of their own. For safety (and legal) reasons, the inventor lives in the basement and, through the grace of God, is shaping the future. It is suspected that she was a prisoner of war because of her uncanny ability to master any language. Her way with words is as close to Godliness as a fat cow in January.
PRIEST/MAYOR
As the leader of the Colonial people both of soul and legal matters, Fr. Flash guides the BSG colony through the hardships of the times. Fr. Flash spends approximately fourteen hours a day, seven days a week translating the Bible from Old English to New World English. Fr. Flash’s intentions are entirely pure. There’s nothing scandalous or questionable about Fr. Flash’s religious path. Any young boys interested in following in Fr. Flash’s footsteps are encouraged to have a private meeting with Fr. Flash in the confessional after the tour.
WIGMAKER
The role of the wigmaker in Colonial society was similar to that of the peddler or the gypsy. The wigmaker roamed the villages providing families with beautification. She is a lowbrow woman of the world, once married to a sea captain who traveled far and wide to bring her the finest European hairs for custom wig making. Since the disappearance of her husband, the wigmaker often slips into tongues. She has a certain way with people, especially men, especially elderly men, especially wealthy elderly men that BabySkinGlove finds just adorable.
PATRIARCH
He’s the man of the house. The strongest, wisest, fairest, and meanest of all the generations; the Patriarch is the glue that holds it all together. He can’t spell, he can’t count over ten, he can’t even touch his toes, but this man is the closest thing BabySkinGlove will ever experience to JC. A Harvard elementary school graduate, Xia could make a field of cabbage grow with a toothpick and two soft rocks. But watch his eyes when he reads you the Bible…that’s right, it’s all memorized, not a twitch of a pupil will be seen because, your mother was wrong, reading isn’t important.
WET NURSE
The Wet Nurse very desperately wanted to have her own children however because of a slight accident riding huggies on a Ducati and a possible sex change, Lily could not bear any progeny. But by some God-given miracle, BabySkinGlove offered Lily meaning to her life through childcare. Lily not only cares for the real live children of the seventh generation but the dolls and animals as well. She loves nothing more than holding things to her cold bosom while weaving, a skill perfected in Colonial times.
QUILTER
Slightly obsessive compulsive, little Katie is in the prime of her innocence and ready for picking. As she waits patiently for her virginal bed to be bloodied, she has taken up quilting for charity meaning quilting for the children of the seventh BabySkinGlove generation. Hopefully within the year she’ll be knitting herself some new clean sheets and some woolen diapers.
INDENTURED SERVANT
Seeing as how selling your body for scientific experiments doesn’t pay that well, Dixie has turned his sadomasochistic hobbies into a career. He enjoys emptying the chamber pot and bathing in used bath water as well as spending a lot of personal time in the barn with the animals. It is rumored that he’s having an affair with the tour guide but she denies all allocations.
VILLAGE IDIOT
Due to unforeseen circumstances, the village idiot cannot attend. He fell into the well trying to retrieve a stone he dropped, cracked his skull and drowned.
MILKMAID
Like the wet nurse’s Holy Spirit or the goat’s Virgin Mary, the milkmaid is the meat of BabySkinGlove’s health. She loves analogies. Montana was a stowaway on one of the trade ships coming in from the Dutch Colonies. On top of her ability to carry up to two hundred pounds of milk on her shoulders, her braiding skills are breathtaking. Although she has resisted the persistent attempts from Fr. Flash to join him for Biblical studies in the confessional, we’re sure she’ll see the light soon. And who knows what that milk mustache is made outta.
ANIMALS
Meow. Hiss. Roar. (Cluck.)
BRITISH ROYALTY
The royal representative from our official sponsor, The King’s Royal Slaw Inc., Ojay has spent the past thirteen years perfecting the powdering of his periwig. As if he could get any more divine, you can tell by Ojay’s glow that his education precedes his reputation, which likewise precedes his colonialization.
SCHOOL TEACHER
Just like BabySkinGlove, Colonial people didn’t do math so good so thank goodness for Mrs. Jada, the local school marm. Big bosomed and heavy on the ruler, Mrs. Jada even knows how to do long division! She doesn’t tolerate any sort of misbehavior in her classroom. If your studies are not done after your chores, Mrs. Jada will not hesitate to relieve some of her misplaced aggression on your wrists or kneecaps or perhaps deeper down in the unmentionables.
SICK PERSON
Poor little thing…if it were modern times, we would have medicine and humidifiers and proper nutrition, but in Colonial times, the premature babies died young. Little Kathleen will never be able to work in the fields with Papa, she spends day in and day out sweating through cholera, typhoid fever, tuberculosis, pneumonia, and delusions of grandeur. Please do not breathe in the infirmary; BabySkinGlove is not responsible for any deaths later this week.
WOODSMAN
Long before she was even born, little Kathleen was betrothed to the neighbor’s son the Woodsman. Unfortunately, when she was born a runt, the families knew that this marriage would be a lost cause and an heir to the estate would be no less than a miracle. But the Woodsman is a kind and loyal man so as a service to his betrothed in-laws he remains a loyal fiancé and will remain in unconsummated purgatory with Kathleen until her final days.
PAGAN
A real life injin, Viva is no less a pagan than a witch! Tell her your problems, heal yourself with her answers. I wouldn’t recommend hitting the peace pipe, but Viva has been known to cure everything from AIDS to cancer. She came to us from just over yonder where something happened involving a fire or a casino or something, but as far as BabySkinGlove can tell, Viva is a dictionary of the Old World where spices and diseases were invented. Just like in modern times, Colonial people judged others by their skilled outsides and not the foreign illiterate soul-damned insides.
ENTHUSIASTIC TOURIST
Gee golly gosh Colonial life is exciting! There are so many things to think about when gchat is down and cell phones are locked up! If she didn’t see it with her own eyes she wouldn’t believe it either!
No comments:
Post a Comment