Obviously the faacionz youth guru Tavi Gevinson got our memo about Decemberibbean = witches, Tokyo, & Grey Gardens capes:
Typical, trendseekers all over the world can't w8 2 b as non-profit as we are and jump on the big brother/big sister do-gooder and read good stuff train. Before you know it, everyone in Brooklyn will be walking around with their own stylish set of teens.So w8, back it up, you didn't get the memo about Decemberibbean?! 1st things 1st >>> get on our mailing list suckers babyskinglove@gmail.com! Now, as a follow-up to Miamuary, the warm weather's coming early this year and we're bunkering south for the cold with Decemberibbean and we've got our 1st Diva-lay-ova in Tallulah's good ol' Alabama. Here's some advice from our Human Resources Dept about Southern gallivanting, if you haven't been contacted directly already:
1) Known thine enemy. Heart of Darkness was written about an unfortunate explorer who went south. It is encouraged that you read, or reread, his biography.
2) If you hear a banjo, go the other direction. Banjo players are the sirens of the south.
3) Decrease your walking speed by 60%. You will stick out if you walk at a northern speed.
4) Don't speak unless spoken to. It is perfectly acceptable to hit women if they speak out of turn.
5) Watch out for alligators. They're like deer down there.
6) Take 2-3 Tums with every meal. The southern diet consists solely of fried food. They will know you don't fit in if you get indigestion or heart burn.
7) Develop a taste for free form jazz music.
8) Mentally prepare yourself for the common practice of incest. If you witness a mother-girlfriend and a son-boyfriend just smile, walk away, and pop more Tums.
9) Bush is God, Walmart is his church.
10) A high school diploma is a medical degree down there so DO NOT go to any doctors.
11) If you don't know what happened on the last king of the hill episode then don't bother engaging in conversation.
12) John Deere invented the South. Or at least that's what they believe.
13) Nascar
14) Always carry a gun, This is not a safety thing. It is against the law to be without your gun.
15) Always carry an empty plastic bottle with you. This can be offered as a gift to a southerner as a spit cup for their chewing tobacco.
16) If you find yourself bored grab a knife, piece of wood, and a rocking chair and start whittling.
17) Don't accept drinks from stangers. You WILL end up in mexico.
*In the case of court, note these claims were dictated, not written. No southerners were injured during the completion of this list. We heart Alabama and all of her muscular offspring.
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