We won't say what every Hallmark-sucking mistress is whispering to your ex's voicemail rite now, instead we have some much needed strength for the day! Whether you're happily married or "happily" married, here's some uppers to keep in mind for the moment, please find your appropri8 match:
1. Swingin Single
9 out of 15 boygirls have pulled the old "I'm w8ing 4 some1" at a fancy restaurant on Valentine's Day, cried into their bread after no one showed, and earned that free lobster. Just sayin.
2. Recently Separ8d
Out with the old and in with the new! Those two for one meals are now ALL YOURS and you can eat ALL OF IT in front of the cats JUDGMENT FREE!
3. Engaged
Eat as much candy as you want- heshe put a ring on it & you can bask in the glow of that sugar 4 lyfe.
4. Permanently Coupled
You never have to worry about catching VD again! Unless you're in an open permanently coupled in which case, sale on trojans today!
5. Divorced
You never have to buy their sorry, lonely ass another fucking Hallmark card ever again!!!
6. Religiously Abstin8
Sale on vibrators at Ricky's this month! Please pray for us!
~~~
Whatever you do, don't throw the baby's college fund at the pizza guy.
SPECIAL GRAMMY WEIRDNESS RECAP:
So while you were alone plus cats with that bottle of gin and barrel of poprox l8 last nite watching the Grammys, did you happen to catch
or
No? That's cool because the real show stopper was that cheek-tugger
(and wtf Apple's Mama singing?)!
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, JUSTIN, PLEASE CALL THIS GIRL BACK YOU ASSHOLE!
she totes got thoze moves from The Body Roll
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